Luxia Le

One thing that has plagued me my entire life is perfectionism. Growing up, I struggled with crippling perfectionism in school that made it difficult to succeed due to my other neurodivergence not being treated and accommodated. Many people tell me “I wish I was more like you!” when I tell them I struggle with perfectionism. It’s not that I don’t understand the desire to turn in work that you feel is perfect. That is the core of perfectionism. However, I think many people misinterpret perfectionism as a “superpower” when it’s really a disability.

You see, the way my perfectionism works, and the way I’ve heard many other AuDHDers describe it, is that if I can’t do something perfectly, I don’t want to do it at all. Small amounts of criticism feel like world-ending news. Growing up, I would throw myself into the first few days or even weeks of school and eventually burn out. Then, when I’d burned out and could no longer maintain my grades, the feeling of watching them slip made me not even want to try anymore.

Having grown and matured from that, I have a better ability to get back on the wagon even if I fall off and one bad mark doesn’t make me feel like I’m drowning. However, it’s a struggle every day. Every day I have to force an amount of energy from the aether, even when I’m running on fumes, to operate within the frameworks of a world built to punish me.

I’m not totally sure what the point of this post was. I just really wanted to get my feelings out because I got a B and now the bad man will take me away (inside joke.)