this blog, as mentioned in the last post is going to start to contain a lot darker content than was previously put out on it. the transition from an evergreen computer blog to a personal disability narrative might be jarring, especially for people who end up on the blog from one of my evergreen posts. however, i want to be very clear about something. i do not support pro-self-harm or pro-eating disorder behaviour. however, as a person who struggles with both self-harm and disordered eating, i do have thoughts that could be misconstrued as “pro” simply because i’m not a recovery purist. additionally, i will be documenting things like my self-harm and struggles with getting enough food because these are part of my disability narrative. removing these facets of my experiences would be inauthentic.
so, there will be times when i document thoughts that precede and follow self-harm or disordered eating episodes. these thoughts may come across as explicitly pro-self-harm and pro-eating disorder because these episodes are usually preceded and followed by explicitly pro thoughts. that’s kind of how it works in that way. self-harm, for better or worse, satisfies a need in the self-harmer. that’s the key that treatment often misses and it prevents self-harmers from getting actual help.
i would like to also note that this is not a recovery space for anyone but me. this is not safe space for parents of self-harmers/EDs. if you are a parent of a child who is self-harming or has an eating disorder, i firmly believe that it is primarily your fault and you should be held accountable for it. this is a safe place for self-harmers and those with eating disorders to share their experiences and find community. however, i request that you not share explicitly anti-recovery sentiments, thinspo, or encourage anyone to begin or escalate self-harm. comments containing these will be removed.
if you want the behaviour to stop, you have to stop the root cause, not just treat the symptoms as a disorder in and of themselves. when we stop forcing the self-harmer to conform and start asking “what is this doing for you? why do you need to do this?” and most importantly “what needs to change for you to no longer need this?”
this is the primary reason that i am deeply suspicious of recovery programs. quite simply, i don’t want to stop self-harming or restricting or purging. these behaviours satisfy a need that isn’t getting met elsewhere and removing the behaviour without addressing the need would only leave me in a vulnerable situation with no meaningful coping mechanisms because the things that work for me get taken away the moment i start treatment.
until the recovery system addresses this issue, i will not engage in structured recovery. i have a psychiatrist and i have no intention of seeking therapy. i did therapy for years and while it was helpful, it was always a tenuous battle against a system that enforced coping mechanisms that didn’t work for me.
snapping an elastic? not good enough. squeezing ice? wrong sensation, makes my hands wet and distresses me more. the little ouchies toy? pain doesn’t last long enough. and of course none of these address the fact that i just like to bleed. bleeding is part of the experience and its one that i don’t want to give up because, for better or worse, it makes me feel better inside my body. it helps me feel connected to myself and regulate my nervous system. and i’m sick of being told i’m wrong to do it just because other people are uncomfortable with it.